


Toxin

by eu_bean



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Evan's suicidal???, I mean, LMAO, M/M, Polyamory, SO, Suicide, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, but - Freeform, evan cant talk about his feelings, have fun, he does it the same way as connor attempted, he doesnt die, jared and connor are fuckin scared, suicide sounds lit, yep, you bet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-01-16 09:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12340416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eu_bean/pseuds/eu_bean
Summary: Evan's been suicidal for years. He didn't tell anyone. He COULDN'T tell anyone. Especially his two loving boyfriends. That would kill them.So he bottled it up. Years of bottling up all his real feelings.When Jared and Connor head out for a bit, Evan's plan sets into action to finally finish off what the fall should have done.





	1. Pills and Potions

"We'll be back later, Ev!" Jared called from the doorway, already dressed in a pair of bluejeans and a Firefly shirt. "Stay safe, babe!" Connor called, in black skinny jeans and a black hoodie - the usual.

 

_Stay safe._

And the door closed. Evan's boyfriends went off for groceries. Something so fucking simple and Evan couldn't even handle the  _thought_ of going out of the house. He had gotten worse ever since they all graduated. He couldn't go out. He couldn't do much but take baths and fake a smile.

Connor and Jared tried their best. They really did. But Evan was dead weight on their otherwise perfect and healthy relationship. Evan wasn't important. He was okay, but not amazing. Connor was loving and tried so goddamn hard. He was so caring, and always had a warm hug around the corner. This was a side he only showed to his lovers. And Jared- Jared was so funny. He was so happy and so goddamn perfect. He was sunshine. He was a huge nerd. He was amazing, just like Connor, and unlike Evan. Evan was not exceptional. He was acceptable. He was really just in the relationship because the other two were too afraid to break up with him. He knew that was true. He wasn't useful to them.

He knew he wasn't important to them. Evan wasn't important. He was aware of his unimportance, and he acknowledged it. He was basically human trash, actually. He was an anxiety-ridden, utterly useless person. He didn't contribute in any way. He was, as previously stated, dead weight.

Well, he wasn't dead.

Not yet.

 

Evan sighed, nails digging into the soft palms of his peachy hands as he stared at the wooden floor. His brain was too fucked up to even identify the type of wood - some type of oak. He knew this! Fuck - his hands were sweating. Shaking. He lifted his almost weightless form off the tan couch, his plaid pajama bottoms dragging on the ground (he stole them from Connor, long legs) and made his way to the kitchen.

A piece of folded paper, hidden in the box containing his favorite tea. He knew that Connor and Jared didn't go near it, since they drank coffee, so that's where he hid the pre-written note.

His breathing went a little ragged as he looked down at the folded ivory sheet, the words 'I love you both' on the top. He shoved it into the soft pocket of his pants before extending a hand to his anxiety medication. He had stopped taking it to save up the pills. He had been planning this. He was sick. He was sick in the head. His thoughts were too dark to be healthy. 

Evan's baby blue eyes stared at the prescription. 

They glazed over as he read it over, his name, Evan Hansen, in bold. Then the smaller text explaining the instructions; "one pill every morning," he read aloud. 

Now, he needed a drink. Connor and Jared always drank alcohol. He didn't like alcohol, just the concept of what if could do to people. They had a whole cabinet of cool things like whiskey and wine, brandy and that awesome looking skull vodka that Connor insisted on buying for the third time that month. He could buy another, right? Evan wrapped his hand around the weirdly shaped bottle and laughed blankly. So his first time drinking would be his last? Interesting. 

He let out the breath he was holding in the bottom of his constricted lungs, padding back over to the couch after closing the cabinet once again. He plopped down, staring,  _glaring_ at his cure. 

It seemed like hours, just reading his name over and over and over and over and over and over until he was sure he was crazy. He just looked at it, mind fizzled into a mess of his name, and the recommended dose. He moved his other hand to the cap, easily popping off the white, gritted plastic that held the transparent orange closed. 

He looked down at the white pills. Actually, for the first time, he was noticing a slight blue tint to them. But still, little bluish-white tablets, little pills that he was ready to swallow down like candy. Like Tic-Tacs, like- like- okay he had no more examples.

Stop stalling, Evan, take the fucking pills!

Evan looked at the bottle again. One last glance before he shut his eyes tight, bringing the rim of the container to his chapped bottom lip. His hands were so fucking sweaty, he could feel the little pools and drops of the salty water on his palms pressing against the transparent orange plastic as he slowly tipped back the bottle.

Little round pills tumbled into his mouth, making little clacks as they hit each other and pressed against his tongue. He gabbed the bottle of vodka, spinning the bottle top open and throwing the cap before flooding his mouth with the disgusting clear liquid. He didn't have time to process the sharp taste of the alcohol. Swallow! Fucking swallow, Evan!

He took a little shaky inhale before contracting his throat, swallowing down at least thirty little pills - which he had just figured out where a little blue.

Evan's brain didn't process much more after that. His eyes cracked open and he began pouring more of the dumb fucking vodka down his throat to get rid of the pill taste. They had dissolved a little on his tongue, and he despised the flavor with all his being.

The blonde boy's body slumped into the couch, and he stared hollowly at the TV, which was playing some stupid show. Process, Evan, process! It was. . . fuck. He couldn't make out faces over the blurriness of his eyes, which were overflowing with tears of pure desperation.

His brain betrayed him. He just laid there, body limp on the couch although he was completely, regrettably, alive.

 


	2. Poison Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last two chapters are sloppy and not as wordy as the first. Just gotta get them out for you.

It wasn't less than ten minutes when the front door unlocked, Connor's large black boots making their way through the entryway with two plastic Target bags filled with food.

And unfortunately, pills don't activate as fast as Evan thought. He was alive, and felt like he was going to puke up all of his guts and organs and intestines and his uterus if he had one. He was simply laying there, curled in on himself.

Connor walked inside, eyes darting around until falling on Evan's shivering, small, balled up form before yelling, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

An empty bottle of pills were loosely in his hand, and the skull shaped bottle of vodka was being cradled with the other, as he rocked back and forth, choking on his own tears. "Evan--" Connor ran over to inspect the scene, not much caring that he dropped a carton of eggs and a million other things in the grocery bag. 

"JARED GET IN HERE!" Connor shouted to the doorway, arms wrapped protectively around his utterly pale baby boy. "We have frozens, Con! I can't just--" Jared began to yell back, before Connor cut him off again with a hostile scream, "EVAN'S HURT!"

Well that got his attention. There were some crashes and smashes of definitely a milk jug falling and splitting, maybe some of those precious frozens hitting the pavement. Jared bounded back inside, spotting the two boys as Connor tried to coax an answer out of the intoxicated, very out of it, blonde boy in his arms. "What happened?" Jared asked frantically, joining them on the couch quickly and rubbing Evan's back. Connor grabbed the empty bottle of pills from Evan's limp hand, basically throwing it at Jared.

"Oh-- Ev-- no," Jared's panic set in.

"Call someone!" Connor ordered with a growl, trying to stay calm and failing miserably as tears leaked out of his eyes. "Poison control, an ambulance, anything! Now!"

Jared fumbled with his phone, opening up Google and looking up 'poison control number', quickly receiving the phone number and calling it with an easy button. It rang for a few seconds, before a lady's voice came from the other side. "Poison control, how can I help you today?"

"My boyfriend downed all of his anxiety pills and drank--" Jared looked over at the bottle, "--some vodka," he spat it all out as quick as possible.

The lady on the other side started talking, telling Jared that he should take said boyfriend to the hospital as soon as possible, while Connor tried to get the half drunk boy to talk or explain what happened or at least respond. 

"Come on, baby," Connor begged, eyes full of worry as he cupped Evan's dazed, tear stained face.

Evan hiccuped a little before his eyelids drooped more, grip on Connor's arm lessening as he flopped forward into Connor's chest. 

Jared noticed, and tensed up. "I'm calling an ambulance right now!" he yelled to the operator and also to Connor and hopefully Evan if he wasn't already dead. Fuck, how did they all mess up so bad? 

Jared had dialed 911, informed them where they were, and stayed on the phone as Connor frantically tried to shake Evan awake. 

They could only really hope that it wasn't too late. . .

 


	3. Safe and Sound

"--be okay!?"

 

 

"--don't know--"

 

 

"--ake up--"

 

 

"--baby please--"

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Evan awoke to the quiet sound of beeps every few seconds, light flooding his vision and his entire body feeling stiff. He was incredibly uncomfortable, wherever he was. Was he dead? What even happened?

"Mmm. . ." Evan hummed softly, voice strained and throat aching. 

"He's awake!" a voice said from his left side, sounding relieved. Evan processed for a moment before realizing that the voice belonged to Connor, barely awake as he blinked slightly. 

Connor and who he guessed was Jared came up by his side, the feeling of Connor's boney, slender hands slipping around his own, which had been laying limply on some thin fabric. Evan's eyes fell closed again for a moment, before he reopened them and groggily tried to focus on the two. Jared placed a hand on Evan's forehead, running his fingers through his hair.

"You scared us bad, baby," Connor cooed, squeezing his hand. Evan's eyes managed to unfuzz, focusing on Connor's tearstained face. 

"I'm sorry. . ." Evan croaked out.

Jared cut in. "You scared the fucking shit out of us! What the hell were you trying to pull!?" he demanded. Connor smacked Jared's forearm with the back of his hand. "Don't yell at him!"

 "Hey, it's his fault I'm pissed!" Jared reasoned and smacked him back.

"Leave him alone!"

"He tried to leave us!"

"He tried to  _kill himself_ , Jare!" 

"With absolutely no explanation!? No warning!?"

"He left a note!"

"But what about before this!? He was smiling and happy and suddenly he's suicidal!?"

"Jared--"

"What? Is it attention you want? Well you're getting attention now, okay!?" Jared snapped at Evan, who was trembling in his spot. 

"Jared!" Connor scolded and nearly socked him in the jaw, but instead just kept his clenched fists to his side. "He doesn't mean that, baby," he said as he turned to Evan, trying to soothe his anxiety.

Jared took a moment to calm down, sniffling. "Y-You were fine. . ." he muttered, sounding hurt.

"No, he wasn't. We just. . . we just fail to notice when he's hurt. . ." Connor said quietly, half hugging Jared now. Jared leaned into his hold, tucking his face into the crook of Connor's neck.

Evan stayed silent, until clearing his sore throat. "I-I'm sorry. . ." 

"Don't be sorry, baby," Connor said quickly.

The room went quiet after that, Connor gripping Evan's hand while Jared went back to playing with Evan's slightly dirty hair. Evan didn't want to talk. He didn't want to have to explain why he did what he did. He just wanted to sleep more. He really wanted to sleep.

After about 10 minutes of just silence, Jared spoke up. "Wanna try some hospital Jell-o, baby?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at the half-asleep Evan.

He smiled a little. "Yes please."

"It tastes like shit," Connor added with a chuckle.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Since that day, they all kept a close eye on each other. Meds were locked away and only Jared had the key, so he could serve out pills in the mornings to all of them so they never missed medication, and never took too much. Slowly, they all recovered from the shock, and went back to sleeping comfortably together in their bed. It seemed to be a little more grim in the apartment, although they also felt safer.

 

"Con?" Evan called as he walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and cuddling into his oversized t-shirt that he stole from Jared. 

Connor looked back from his spot at the stove, smiling and going over to kiss his sleepy boyfriend. "You. Look. So. Cute," he punctuated each word with a forehead kiss, grinning ear to ear.

"What're you makin'?" Evan asked quietly, smacking his lips as he inhaled the scent of the cooking food.

"Gourmet shit, babe. Mac 'n cheese," Connor stated proudly, and Evan snorted. 

"Gourmet," he repeated, kissing his lips gently.

That was when Jared walked in, in his Charmander onesie that he wore specifically when gaming - which he had been.  Jared yawned, going up to the two and kissing both of their cheeks. "You two are so gay," he mumbled. 

"We are literally three guys dating. Doesn't get much gayer," Connor chuckled.

"Wow, I love you two," Jared murmured.

Evan laughed softly. "Love you too, babe."

"Ditto," Connor added with a little grin, leaving Connor and Jared to bicker about how 'ditto' wasn't an acceptable romantic answer to 'I love you'.

**Author's Note:**

> hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahhahahahhahahhahhahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahahhaahahahahhHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHim very sorry


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